Memento Mori
by wolvesjr34
Summary: I wrote a little more to go with S06E05 - so if you have not watched that episode yet, this contains major spoilers.


**A/N: If spoilers matter to you and you have not watched S06E05, please turn back now.  
**

 _"_ _The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same nor should you want to." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross._

* * *

Relief.

It was the one feeling that she had stumbled over during her analysis of the myriad of emotions that had been surging through her body since the revelation of Susie Chang's death that absolutely confounded and hurt the most. What kind of a person did it make her that she had this sense of relief flooding her system as the dust of the investigation settled? Jane would no doubt tell her it made her human, but still it didn't sit right at all with Doctor Maura Isles.

Senior Criminalist Susie Chang was a respected colleague and she could honestly say a loved friend; her absence would be felt, was already felt, greatly. Susie was her kindred spirit, a bright, bouncy young woman with a zest for knowledge and a keen dedication to her job, she never guessed and she never assumed.

Mentoring Susie Chang had been one of Maura's greatest achievements, she had decided, during her many hours of contemplation at the loss the Medical Examiner's Office and she personally, felt. While there was immense sadness there, Maura could not help but be proud that Susie's dedication to the truth had ultimately led to her demise; Susie had investigated and followed up on a crime by herself because the forensics just didn't add up – an unadulterated dedication to the truth.

Thus Maura wondered in the vernacular more likely to be heard by her brash detective best friend, _what the hell_?

With a heavy sigh Maura poured her second glass of red wine for the evening and tried to relax, it would do her no good to sit and dwell on circumstances she could not change. She knew the healthy thing would be to progress through the stages of grief, and carry on; Susie certainly wouldn't have wanted her to stagnate emotionally, she would want her to move forward with a clear mind to continue to bring justice to those who could no longer speak for themselves.

The Kubler-Ross Model for the five stages of grief had been the common guideline referred to for processing ones grief, but the more Maura contemplated the reality of mourning the loss of an integral person in her life the more she found herself leaning towards William Worden's view that there were four tasks for mourning; after all the Kubler-Ross model was based on interviews with terminally ill people and not the relatives and friends of the deceased – mourning a person's absence was different to coming to terms with your own mortality.

Perhaps more practically Worden's view suggested a more fluid approach, acknowledging that the tasks of mourning may be simultaneously or achieved in a different order than listed. Task one: _to accept the reality of the loss_ ; task two: _to work through the pain and grief_ ; task three: _to adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing_ and task four: _to find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking_ _on a new life_.

As she sifted through her thoughts Maura settled on the belief that she had accepted the reality of the loss; Susie was gone, she wasn't coming back and while it felt like a living nightmare, it was not just a dream. She also believed that she had adjusted to the missing piece in her life that was the Senior Criminalist; compartmentalising was quite helpful with that especially at work, the environment where Susie was most missed. Love of science was her enduring connection and thus Maura recognised that working through the pain was the hardest thing to do. Actually, she found working through the fluctuating feelings of relief and guilt, were the hardest things to do.

Maura was dragged out of her thoughts when her front door opened and closed quietly. Almost too quietly given that it was only going to be Jane, who while capable of a soft hand and tender touch, was often bereft of such smooth moves when she moved around her natural habitat. Maura's Beacon Hill home, was definitely one of Detective Rizzoli's natural habitats.

The cushion next to the doctor shifted with the weight of the detective and within the same set of movements Jane pulled Maura into a side hug, placing several soft kisses to the top of her best friend's golden locks. She knew that Maura had distanced herself from everyone for several days following the get together at the Dirty Robber to commemorate the life of Susie and she suspected that her best friend hadn't really had a good cry about it either.

"Penny for your thoughts Maur?"

"A penny would not exactly be practical payment for my thoughts Jane." Yet another idiom she didn't care to negotiate, and yet the playful banter that came naturally to her when around the lanky Italian soothed her emotionally.

A quick roll of the eyes followed before Jane tried once more to drag thoughts from her friend. "How are you feeling?" As an after thought she quickly added, "Emotionally?"

"Better, now that you're here." An honest answer, while still avoiding the topic she knew the detective was angling for.

Maura just wasn't sure she was ready to talk about how she was feeling about Susie's death; even though she longed for Jane to confirm her suspicions regarding the strange sense of relief she was feeling, which in turn may alleviate the guilt she felt for feeling so relieved. It was all a mess and she just didn't want to give in to it; she would rather just enjoy the company of her best friend and feel at peace for a while.

Jane allowed the comments to settle for a couple of minutes, while she simply held her friend, who eventually relaxed into the hold and let go of the tension in her upper body. She knew that emotions were not Maura's favourite things to deal with, and if she were honest they were definitely not something she liked dealing with either, but it was harder for Maura in a different way.

Dark brows furrowed in thought as she glanced sideways at her friend, she couldn't see her face through the hair that had slipped around her cheeks and over her shoulders, but she could tell nonetheless what needed to be done. "If you had asked me before this week, objectively, if I would notice Susie's absence in the event of her… err, not being around anymore…"

"You can use the term Jane, I am not that fragile." Maura half heartedly admonished.

"Right, well anyway, if you had asked me about that, I honestly don't think I would have felt much beyond the sadness that I feel for all the victims I deal with. I really didn't think she had that big of an impact on my day you know? But now that it's reality I realise that I miss her awkward enthusiasm for science. She kinda reminded me of you ya know?"

Maura smiled weakly because she and Susie did share a lot of similar traits, it had been what drew them together in the first place. "She was exceptionally good at what she did."

"Yeah she was." Jane agreed before pausing for a moment, thinking back through some of the strange interactions she had shared with Susie over the years. "You were her hero, you know? She told me that while we were working to clear your name during that whole Brad Adams fiasco."

"I did not know that." Simultaneously Maura felt a warmth bloom in her chest and an immense sadness tug at her eyes via hot tears. She turned her body and buried herself into Jane, wrapping one arm around behind her back and the other over her shoulder.

Jane shifted a little in her position so that she could more easily hold the smaller woman, wrapping both arms protectively around behind her back, where she rubbed soothing circles, well what she hoped to be soothing circles. "It's alright, I got ya. Just let it out."

In Jane's arms Maura felt safe and protected, she felt that no matter what happened, she could survive it, because she had Jane her rambunctious and yet incredibly supportive best friend. It was more than that though, those lean muscled arms felt like home and it was as she processed this she understood her relief.

"Jane?" she queried through muffled sobs into the detective's chest.

"Yeah?"

"Is it wrong that I feel relieved it wasn't you?" Maura pulled away because she needed to be able to stare into dark chocolate eyes when she was given the answer.

Instantly Jane's olive toned features softened while her naturally raspy voice dropped to an almost whisper, "No Maur; it makes two of us."

"Right," Maura nodded softly, satisfied with the answer she heard. Jane's words were all the confirmation she needed, and while she still felt sadness at her loss, the guilt she felt dissipated.

"I would love to go to a Patriot's game with you, Jane."

With an inquisitive eyebrow shooting upwards and a small smile playing on her lips she responded. "Don't feel like you have to, I'll still go and have a fancy spa day with you whether you come along or not."

Maura shook her head softly at Jane's words. "I don't have to, I want to. If anything is to be learned from Susie's death, it is that I really should appreciate what I do have more. I want to spend time with you Jane, and it should not just be doing what I enjoy. You're important to me; I want to make sure you know that."

Jane's small smile grew large, "Don't worry Maur, I know it. You put up with my sorry sarcastic ass, I know it."

Maura playfully batted Jane's arm, "Language, Jane."

The detective simply rolled her eyes and dug around in the inner pocket of her blazer, pulling out some flyers. "Anyways I got to thinking that maybe we should do something together in honour of Susie."

Maura took the flyers offered and perused them briefly; a soft smile graced her lips as she realised just how in tune she and Jane could be at times. "Are you sure?"

Jane shrugged nonchalantly, "What better way to cement a friendship than to jump out of a plane together, right?"

For the first time in a very long week Maura Isles chuckled, it was only for a moment, but it was a pleasant moment before the sobering thoughts of Susie's death returned. Still she hugged Jane tightly and nodded into her chest, yes, skydiving seemed like just the perfect way to remember a friend.

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 **A/N: Tina Huang you will be missed on our screens as the lovable Susie Chang. Thanks again to all those that readand review, I would especially love to hear your thoughts on this, as I just had to delve a little deeper into what I felt the episode lacked.**


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